Why sleep, when all day I dream?

"Colorless green ideas sleep furiously"

By

Joe Chiarenzelli

This is a message from Cosmic Coincidence Control Center. The only path to truth is through concentrated brain change. You do not have a self. Your words have no meaning. You must go through a process of complete bafflement before you will be admitted into Chapel Perilous, where you will either emerge a stone-cold paranoid or a Buddha. There is no meaning in isolation. Things are not things by themselves. You need two points to make a dimension, three for two dimensions, and four for three dimensions. The same works for the human brain.

-Received from a spacecraft orbiting earth.

Noam Chomsky used the phrase, “Colorless green ideas sleep furiously,” to demonstrate that linguistically it is possible to construct a sentence that has completely correct grammar yet is utter nonsense. Take a few seconds and check it for yourself.

Bill Murray as a Hipster Icon

By

Joe Chiarenzelli

When you look at the man sitting next to the groundhog, ready to Thelma and Louise to their doom, you’ll notice a wry smile shaping his lips and a bored glance directed at the camera. This face, wry and sarcastic, will replace Che Guevera as the mug on the t-shirts of hipster kids all throughout the country in the near future. Of course, one must ask why this man is worthy of such adoration from those who see themselves as unique and above common culture. Those who wear irony like a crown of thorns both making them holy and rubbing them raw. But to understand why the great Bill Murray is valued so highly one must first understand the beast, the hipster.

The Catholic Church Should Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity

By

Sean Ewart

Crimes against humanity, as defined by the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, include the "deportation or forcible transfer of population; rape, sexual slavery, enforced prostitution, forced pregnancy, enforced sterilization, or any other form of sexual violence of comparable gravity; persecution against any identifiable group or collectivity on political, racial, national, ethnic, cultural, religious, or gender grounds; enforced disappearance of persons.” These are grave terms indeed and have thus far been leveled at few people, including those responsible for the Rwandan Genocide, participants in inhumane conflict in the former Yugoslavia, and the Nazis. One more organization should be added to the list: the Catholic Church. With roughly 1.1 billion members, it is the largest sect of Christianity and, not including its participation in centuries of disgusting conduct (including the genocidal crusades, a series of long and bloody wars in Europe, and conspiracy with the Nazis), the modern Catholic Church is guilty of crimes against humanity for its actions across the globe. What follows is a brief indictment taking into account the church's campaign against AIDS prevention in Africa, its global cover up of child molestation by priests, and the decade’s long effort by the Catholic Church to steal and then sell the babies of low class and non-Catholic women to couples deemed desirable in Spain. 

Everyday I Make Them Die

By

Joe Chiarenzelli

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/02/world/africa/02somalia.html

 

“My life is so evil, really, there are people who are starving, in the world, and I drive an Infinity, that’s really evil. There are people who just starve to death, that’s all they ever did. There are people who are like born and just go I’m hungry and just die. And that’s all they ever got to do. And there I am in my car going ‘boom, boom, boom,’ having a great time. And I sleep like a baby! It’s totally my fault because I could trade my Infinity for like a really good car like a Ford Focus with no miles on it. And I’ll get back like twenty thousand dollars. I could save hundreds of people from dieing from starvation with that money and everyday I don’t do it. Everyday I make them die with my car.”

Transcribed from a Louis C.K. standup routine slightly obscured by raucous applause.

Religion in the Free Market

By

Sean Ewart

Ever since the Protestant reformation the world has seen an increasingly chaotic spiritual arena wherein the various faiths compete for the faithful. Especially in modern America, where the freedom of religion often threatens to nullify our other constitutional and moral obligations, the pulpit has ever become the soap box for evangelical sales-men. From gospel tracts to billboards, student organizations to Friday prayers, America's religions have taken on the appearance of sexed-up infomercials. Dialog between the faiths are often conversations about which is more appealing – how can we make the story of Jesus more relevant to America's youth? Why is Islam right for you? Is Mormonism the American religion? And so on. The showmanship of America's spiritual public relations agents has indeed been enlightening: organized religion is nothing more than a business.

A Footnote to Fahrenheit 451:

The Fortuitous Folly of Fragile Themes.

By

Joe Chiarenzelli

    “You can’t tell an author that he doesn’t understand the themes of what he wrote (1).” I hear this as my mind idles in vague Ritalin/Caffeine/Marijuana induced states.

    “Well of course not.” I think to myself. I allow the rambling on pedagogical reading techniques for literature to drift by me as I look back down at my heaping plate of chicken tenders and salad, picking at it disaffectedly. The tenders look none too tender and the salad, well I mean, it’s a salad.

The Gospel of Doubt

By
Sean Ewart

There is a silly term which I have come to adopt and that is: Atheist. What a nonsensical word! I can offer no proof that Jesus is not god. I cannot refute the various fantastical claims of the Muslims – did Muhammad fly to Jerusalem at night with the angel Gabriel? I have no idea. I can't even refute the stories of the Greeks. Medusa, for all I know, may have turned people into stone with a single glance. And Santa may in fact live at the North Pole and fly around the world delivering presents to those who believe in him. I have absolutely no evidence to tell me otherwise. The word “atheist,” which literally means “without god,” is a term applied loosely. The truth is that I have no idea – and neither do you.

Faith, Fire and the Dalai Lama

By
Sean Ewart

Imagine the scene: protesters occupying Wall Street are crossing the Brooklyn Bridge, facing a massive police blockade, when - suddenly - two of them jump up on the suspension cables, throw a rope around their necks, and hang themselves in a symbolic reference to the noose of anarchic capitalism strangling the middle class. They are 17 and 18 years old, each wearing a t-shirt of Elizabeth Warren and a sign saying, “maybe now the world will notice.” Certainly the world would notice if this happened. What could possibly motivate a teenager to commit suicide like this; who convinced them that their martyrdom was the only way to achieve international recognition? Imagine if it turned out that the leaders of the occupy Wall Street movement had encouraged this behavior. The response would be swift and decisive. Those responsible would be brought to justice, tried for manslaughter, and the public would be rightly appalled as these monsters defended their actions in the witness box saying something along the lines of, “this exposes how desperate some Americans feel.”

Debunking Postmodernism

By
Sean Ewart

Somewhere in North Africa a 12 year old girl has been taken from her family's home, held down and, without pain medication, had her clitoris removed by a dull blade. About 3 million women undergo female genital mutilation a year, a tradition inspired by centuries of gender inequality, and yet international outrage has been incredibly underwhelming. So as the dull knife blade rips apart this young girl's clitoris, destroying her chances for future sexual enjoyment, increasing her chances of complications during pregnancy, the world watches and says, “who are we to judge her culture?”