Will and Kate have been married for a little over a year now and now they are with child. How do I know? Because every supermarket news stand in the nation has been touting exclusive photo collections and in-depth descriptions of the young royals' first year. The Queen of England, Liz, has also just celebrated her 60th year in power. I am enlightened.
And I'm also upset. Not to be hyperbolic, but seeing American news stands plastered with the images of that relic of hereditary dictatorship and her various relations leaves me with the distinct sense that the revolution has been betrayed. Have we really become a culture so celebrity centric that we, with a little pomp and circumstance, sycophantically prostrate ourselves to the very throne from which we so boldly declared independence in 1776? Ok, sure, we're not exactly drinking the tea, but no republican (not the political party, don't be thick) worth his salt could be fooled into celebrating the continuation of the monarchy - in any nation.
The fact that Liz has been in power for 60 years should only make American news publications with the caveat that, "theirs is a backwards nation, burdened by centuries of pointless traditions and a top heavy aristocracy." Likewise, the only time American news stands should feature Will and Kate is when they pledge to abdicate the throne. "The British Spring."
And it isn't even comforting to note that American publications have placed Liz and Will and Kate in the same class as Justin Bieber and Paris Hilton. The celebritification of American culture is cheapening that very democracy our predecessors so valiantly fought to establish. While we don't own them anything, we certainly owe it to ourselves to be more than a mob easily assuaged with "bread and circuses." Dear god, at least demand better bread.
So get the Queen out of our supermarkets. Take Will and Kate's face off tabloid covers. America learned, the hard way, in 1776 that testicular origin is a terrible way to decide who is fit to govern - and yet here we are, in 2012, placing the inbred spawn of European aristocracy on a pedestal. The cogs of tyranny are greased by such idiocy.