|"The Most Stunning."|
CNN is calling his election “the most stunning” choice and “precedent shattering.” Reading that description you’d think Oprah had been elected Pope; her first public address used to invite paranormal investigators to the Vatican (“we’ll find this so-called ‘Holy Ghost’ once and for all").
Nope! Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, a white dude from Argentina, has been renamed Pope Francis and is the first
not born in Europe elected Pope for roughly 1,300
That’s it. That’s where the exciting bit ends.
Here’s a quick guide to all the things that are staying the same with the election of Pope Francis:
1) The new Pope is male. Women are still not eligible for the priesthood. Because, obviously, how can you serve god if you don’t have a penis?
3) The Pope likes to talk about economic injustice and how bad it is – while standing in one of the most opulent churches in the world.
4) Pope Francis thinks abortion is akin to “the death penalty.” Shocker.
5) He thinks assisted suicide is mean to old people. Apparently, for Pope Francis, life imitates The Giver.
6) Pope Francis also thinks abortionists, people who get abortions, people who perform assisted suicide, and people who commit “other serious crimes against life and family” cannot receive communion. That settles that, U.S. of A., you’re out of the Catholic Church. (Also, if you’ve been assisted in suicide, they don’t serve communion in hell… so don’t even bother asking for clarification.)
7) Pope Francis also carries forward the Church’s proud tradition of remaining silent in the face of dictatorships.
8) And then there are the stolen babies.
Listen, Catholic Church, I know it's tough being the "sole representative of god on earth" and all, but you're worse than a priest left alone with an alter boy - you're not even making an effort.