If you like Abstinence: five bills the GOP should introduce

By

Sean Ewart

We're not falling for that routine again...

Not to sound flippant, but abstinence technically is the safest route for anyone (not just teens) looking to avoid sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS, gonorrhea and pregnancy. It just is. No amount of liberal spin can change that (I’m looking at you Rachel Maddow).

So let’s take a moment to applaud the Abstinence Education Reallocation Act, introduced by compassionate Congressmen in February. The bill would hand out $550 million over the course of five years to programs that teach teens to avoid sex outside of marriage. It’s about time. 

And while it’s also true that 95% of Americans have sex outside of marriage, I’m willing to bet that $550 million will solve the problem. That’s a lot of money. 

In the spirit of the AERA here are five other pieces of legislation that the 113^th Congress should take up:

Little known fact: He was trying to celebrate Memorial Day.

      1)      The Unintentional Injuries Prevention Act: According to the CDC more than 120,000 Americans die each year from so-called “unintentional injuries.” The UIPA would outlaw these injuries and, to the tune of $660 million over the course of the next decade, fund classes dedicated to eradicating them from our midst. 

      Course titles like, “Running with scissors: don’t,” and “Playing with fire: best practices,” will be introduced at community colleges across the nation. 

Jesus hates this.

      2)      The Divorce and Annulment Termination Endowment: According to the CDC, in 2011 there were roughly 877,000 divorces and annulments in America. It’s as if America is pleading for Jesus to smite us with his holy wrath.   

      The DATE is a federally subsidized endowment that would bribe unhappily married couples to remain in their marriages. According to an article by Phil Thompson (a.k.a. some guy), “financial success can be the result of a good marriage.” So why not rig the system? 

      The DATE would be funded to the tune of millions or billions of dollars to ensure the American divorce rate is reduced to zero thus preventing the sulfuric destruction of America in a fit of holy rage.  Amen. 

Am I right?

      3)      The Free Unlimited Curation of Kink Act: The FUCK Act would provide free kinky porn to everyone. I mean, if we’re gunna be abstinent….  Porn stars would become federal employees. This one just seems obvious. 

Pictured: Jesus Christ, left, Superstar, right.

      4)      The Pray before you Lay Act: Congressionally mandated prayers would be distributed to everyone to recite before bed. The PLA would include prayers like, “Jesus, please make the Chinese housing bubble pop, just to fuck with them,” and, “Dear God, instruct Mel Gibson to produce a film about Revelations.” 

Saint George and the Dragon: Historical non-fiction.

       5)      The Science Tutelage Under Prayerful Ideological Direction Act: Only schools that teach Creationism would be eligible for federal funding under the STUPID Act. 

There’s a comments section for a reason. Let’s hear some more great ideas. Together we can make a difference.